Congratulations!! You’ve married the person of your dreams and they just happen to be a part of the military! It’s time to join your spouse and fully immerse yourself in the military world. As a new spouse, this life can be very daunting. You have two choices, embrace it or reject it- there’s really no in-between in my opinion. I’ve asked my friends to give you tips on how you can make this life amazing for yourself and your spouse.
I loved all of the responses that I received. A great variety of spouses including current active-duty spouses, spouses of retired service members, dual-military spouses {meaning they are both in the service}, that have been where you are and even shared some context on how they have felt. It’s
Your Journey
While you are in this situation because you are married to a service member it is also your journey. There are times when your spouse is TDY (gone for training for a short period of time), deployed or just working long hours and you have to navigate this alone. Always remember you are never truly alone because there is someone else going through something similar. Open yourself up, you’ll be so happy you did. Here are tips for your journey as a military spouse:
“Keep an open mind, be flexible and you get what you put into your journey. Most importantly don’t lose yourself in your spouse’s job and keep your own identity. Love your spouse, support them but you need to have your own goals and hobbies as well.” -Alicia H.
“Take a deep breath. Don’t be scared to go to spouse meetings and gatherings. Get out there and meet new people!! This life does NOT have to be lonely and scary!” ❤️ Rachel J.
“Everyone’s journey, and what success as a mil-spouse looks like, is different.” – Kristen S.
“Keep your chin up and know your not alone! Ask for help when you need it because being a military spouse is not easy.” – Krysten L.
“1. Do your best to have a positive attitude because negativity won’t do you (or anyone) any favors.
2. There are so many resources! Whether it’s education, employment, discounts, volunteering…go find them and utilize them!” –Emily H.
“Make the most of it. It’s all about your perspective and mindset. Stay positive. Being a new military spouse I had no idea what to expect or what the community was like. Get involved with groups/activities on post. Explore the area you’re in. The beauty of being in the military is the ability to see so many different areas of the world. Be flexible. I’ve learned a lot about flexibility and adaptation. It won’t always be easy so reach out, get involved, find your tribe! Give yourself grace and enjoy the beautiful journey the military will take you on.” -Christen Y.S.
“Just breathe, don’t be afraid to ask for help! Asking for help is not a sign of weakness it is a sign that you are smart enough to know you need help!” -Andrea B.
“Learn to roll with it.” -Jennifer K.
“Stay positive! Every unit and experience will be different, don’t compare experiences, but make the most of them all! You will love some and you will dislike some, but they are your experiences….so enjoy them!” -Misty B.
“As a military spouse of 21 years- Find. Your. Tribe. And lean on them. They will become your saving grace no matter where you are. Find your passion and work towards that. Find what sets your soul on fire. “Be your own boss. Write, it feels so good to write and see your feelings and goals on paper. Listen to music and podcasts. They will kick motivation in your arse.” -Annette Marie W.
“Find your thing and make friends.” -Diana NP.
“Where ever you get stationed, make it a home. Go out and explore, volunteer, and always keep in mind to support each other.” -Candy G.
“Know that you are stronger than you think. You sacrificing much so your spouse can fulfill their career is nothing short of heroic…it’s downright brave and often unnoticed. Find a tribe. Love them hard and you’ll collect the most amazing group of “framily” from all over. Have a pair of rose-colored glasses handy at all times and LOVE. YOUR. SOLDIER. It’s a hard life at times but also the absolute BEST!” -Lauren B.
“The military spouse culture and service members’ view of mil spouses is turning toxic online. Don’t read the comments in any military article regarding family, housing, or spousal benefits if you aren’t prepared to read some shitty things about spouses. Life will be easier if you say “F all these negative opinions.” Live your life. Support your service member. Grow some thick skin.” -Tiffany N.
“You are not your spouse’s rank. I was AD and a spouse and when I walked into my husband’s squadron I was “Mrs. Michael” (even though I had a rank in the military) or as I sometimes referred to….”the better half” (which always made me laugh). Amongst other spouses you are all equal, nobody is better than anybody else. Remember, everyone needs a family when you are away from family and you should be there to support each other. Hope that makes sense! “-Meghan M.
“As a former military spouse it is very important to get to know the other spouses, give each other support, have monthly or weekly outings. Meet ups that involve the kids. I found great comfort and made lifelong friends. Find support in others! we had get together with themes. Made crafts, had pot luck lunches or dinners. Met a fast food playgrounds, parks.” -Kristen S.
Duty Stations
The military will take you to places you’ve never thought you’d live, some great and some not so great. Tips on what to do if you know no one in the area.
“Each duty station is what you make it. Don’t stay indoors, get out and explore.” – Jo S.
“Make an attempt to “bloom where you are planted.” -Christine D.
“Always be kind, do what you can for others, especially those that are new to a station. You are ultimately part of the same goal.” -Krista W.
“Bloom Where You’re Planted” Sorry I couldn’t resist. It’s true though. We have to allow ourselves the ability to bloom wherever we go.” -Casey B.
“Know that the commissary baggers work for tips only. They will take your groceries to your car regardless but it’s nice to tip them.” -Deanna M.
“Do not just bloom where you’re planted, plant a WHOLE garden that will continue to grow.” -Holly V.
Being Prepared
Things happen and you never realize how resourceful you truly are. Here are tips for being prepared for the military life, you’ve seen the meme’s- when they leave is when shit hits the fan, sometimes literally!
“Have a backup plan for everything!” – Meghan S.
“Go to your base or installation information (Army is ACS – Army Community Services) and take any and every available class or information session they have to help you plan in case of emergency.” -Candy O.
“Educate and circulate yourself into your new world. The results will surprise YOU!” -Candice C.
“Get out there and get busy. Don’t shut yourself out of living your best life because you can’t control things.” -Megan H.
Working as a Team
Yes, you are on a team of two. I always tell the hubs, it’s us against the world. You have to work together to make a marriage work, being in the military just makes it a little more complicated but it’s totally doable. Here’s how other spouses make it work.
“Don’t blame your spouse for something out of their control. i.e. working late, working nights, weekends, early mornings, etc. The military doesn’t offer flexibility. They have to do what they’re told or face consequences. You shouldn’t be one of those consequences. Be patient.” – Shawna C.
“When we got married he had already been quite a few years and I really knew nothing of military life. I used to get upset when plans would change and he would have to leave. I still don’t like it, but it does get easier. It’s okay to get upset that the army comes first, but don’t dwell on it and remember that’s what they signed up for.” -Christy R.
“If your spouse is a combat spouse, you are in a unique and difficult position. Have a plan in place, unconditional love, do not attend the argument, and have a pillow and blanket ready for them wherever they end up falling asleep.” -AmyLynn C.
“If something isn’t working for you, reach in and be part of the solution.” -Kristen S.
“Be an advocate for your health and the health of your spouse, so many things are swept under the rug. Go to their doctor appointments and speak up.” -Megan H.
After the Military
This might be a little premature, but sometimes the military throws you a curveball. Definitely, something to have in the back of your mind. My hubs is retiring in a few years and I have a few friends that are already done. Do your best to be ready for that moment.
“You are more than “just” a military spouse. Being a part of the community is really important, but so is being you in every other way. Don’t be afraid to continue to pursue your goals and interests, even if they don’t always align with the military lifestyle. One day, Military life will end. Making sure you are still YOU when that day comes, is imperative to your ongoing mental health.” -Erin W.
“Make sure you get things documented and keep the records for when your career or your spouse’s career is ending and can file/ fight for VA benefits.” Megan H.
What amazing tips right? These amazing spouses have shared a bit of insight on what your new life could be like and ways to make it a little easier for you. Finding a tribe or person is so important when it comes to military life and blooming where you are planted is absolutely essential. I have made amazing friendships at every duty station and still remain close to so many, the reality is that the Army is truly small in the grand scheme of things and you never know when you’ll run into them again. 🙂
If you ever have any questions about being a military spouse or anything feel free to send me an email. This topic was weighing on my heart and I’m so thankful for everyone’s response.
It was perfect the first time. I learn so much from you as well! Keep it up great post.
I love this post. I’m not a new spouse but I think even if you aren’t it’s good to remind yourself of some of these things. My advise that I always give military spouses is that you’re not going to like everyone you meet but you still have to think of the military as one giant extended family. We all feel similar pains and stressed and we all have a common ground. But just like in a regular family you won’t all get along, react the same to situations, believe in the same things. And just like in a family you don’t have to spend time with every single member all the time but you should have some kind of level of respect for everyone, whether or not you get along; We are all fighting similar battles.